Family dynamics and mediation
Family dynamics are tough.
They get even tougher when there is an aging parent involved, and multiple different perspectives are coming together to make a plan.In our practice, we find there is always the family member who feels mom or dad are “fine” and nothing really needs to be done. Then there is the family member that thinks mom or dad need to be in a more supportive environment, yesterday.
When families who disagree come into our practice, we take all perspectives into consideration, and ultimately base our recommendations on what our experience has taught us would be in the best interest of the elder .
Recently we had a family such as this come to us in need. Their aging mother who had a diagnosis of dementia was living at home being cared for by a daughter who also had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. The daughter had been caring for her mother at home, providing assistance with all of her mother’s activities of daily living including; bathing, dressing , cooking and cleaning. It was this daughter’s 24 hour job. Now, you can imagine that this would be taxing for any adult child, it was even more challenging for this daughter given her mental health limitations. When things rose to a level of crisis, the family made a quick decision to place their mother in a memory care assisted living. They went out, toured several facilities in one day, and ultimately made their decision to quickly move her in.
Although their mother was safe, and being reasonably well cared for by the assisted living, her two daughters were so overcome with guilt about their decision to move her, that they spent 12-24 hours a day taking turns supervising their mother at the assisted living. When the care did not seem up to par with these daughter’s expectations, they began to reprimand and scrutinize the staff caring for their mother, causing the assisted living facility employees to feel uncomfortable and unable to do their work. The daughters did not feel comfortable leaving their mother alone which prevented her from the opportunity to develop a relationship with the assisted living care providers, or acclimate to her new environment.
We received a desperate call from the brother, who as luck would have it, was also the power of attorney and health care proxy. He was worried that the assisted living was preparing to ask his mother to leave due to his sisters behavior. He was worried that sending her back home to the exact same situation she had just left would be a detriment, but he felt backed into a corner. His sisters were forceful personalities, demanding he did what they felt was right, and he felt helpless. We pointed out that he was actually the legal decision maker in this case, and that recommended taking a step back and putting a solid plan in place before leaving.
After getting the full background from the brother, we were able to determine that there were several safety concerns, including several recent falls and resultant fractures. The sister who had been caring for her, had been medically advised that caring for her mother was a detriment to her own mental health, and was not in anyone’s best interest. After gathering all information individually from the adult children, it was determined that a family mediation would be appropriate. The adult children couldn’t be in the same room without arguing, and this was occuring in front of their mother.
The mediation involved the assisted living team, the daughters, the son and their uncle. We went around the room giving each person their time to speak and voice their concerns without interruption from anyone else. Each person had 10 minutes to voice their biggest concerns and grievances. It was the first step in developing a solid and safe plan for our client. It was clear to all by the end, that staying at the assisted living was not right choice, and that a new plan for home would be developed.
We established conditions that would ensure safety for our client. We assisted the family in choosing the best possible 24 hour care at home. The sister would find an alternative place to live to allow the caregivers to establish a relationship and routine in with the mother. After securing the logistics of the plan, a follow up family meeting ended with the family members crying and hugging one another. They had their voices heard, and with professional, non emotional advice we developed a plan that everyone felt comfortable with. It seemed like a small miracle!
Of course not all cases end up with such a positive outcome, this family proved that there are times when an elder mediation can make a difference. Sometimes there are solutions even when things seem hopeless. This family proved that to us.
If you know a family like this, we are here to attempt working out a solution with them. It’s always important to remember that once the elder loved one is gone, the sibling relationships will remain.
Think Spring everyone!
